Father's day

By the end of the day, it's another year and no gifts, one more year and nobody knows, one more....

I have lost two kids. Every father's day I save a moment by the end of the day and let myself cry and wonder how it would be to be the father of these kids. I look at my father and my brother and wonder what they're feeling. Don't get me wrong, my marriage sucked, it was hell, but after becoming 30 years old I've been wanting to have a family to call my own, and have kids to teach them things that haven't been taught to me.

I know I'll get there, just needed to put this on a piece of paper.

I"ll pray for you babies, wherever you are.

Once upon a time, there was a boy...

A boy that always spent his break time by the windows in front of his class, looking around, seeing everybody and nothing at all. This past weekend I returned to the countryside, to visit my relatives and I took my time to return to re-visit some of the places that are part of my early life.

This is the school I studied when I was 6~7 years old, this place is special and looking back I felt a lot of good sensations and discovered that this is a part of my life I really enjoyed.

Running over puddles when it rained, running around the buildings like nothing really mattered, seriously I needed to wake up at 4 a.m to go to school every day, walk around 2 km just to wait for the bus and I couldn't care less, life was really great back there....

Looking back I found how little I had and how much happier I was...

My first crush was from this school, and I remember that I always wrote her letters, till one day, her sister was really jealous, so she went to their father and told him about me and the letters, I mean we were children, it was completely inocent, but even then she threatened me till I stopped talking or seeing the girl again. It was by this time that I started going to the school library to read, I never noticed how much I loved reading till I actualy started it, I've spent my whole free time at the library, my favorite book at the time was "menino maluquinho" (I wonder why hahahaha).

This was a very special part of my life, I loved returning there, walking around the place, checking out my class, even seating in the same spot I sat daily to study, that felt really good.

The time to say goodbye is coming fast, there are so many people I have to visit before leaving, some things that have to be said, a certain someone that must know how I feel about her, I'll probably write about feelings and the need to throw them around next time, the ideas aren't quite certain in my mind yet, but that's a topic for another day.

"I'll wait

For you there

Like a stone......

I'll wait, for you there.....alone....."

It's been a while, but promises have been made

Have you ever felt as one lost in a crowd?
Like a big show in a stadium displayed from above?
Just another ant, another sand particle, something that is never noticed.....

Well I've been feeling like that for a while, feeling I'm not important, that I'm not needed anywhere. And you know? It's ok. I've learned that some people just pay attention to you when they need you for something, to help out, to lend money, to take them somewhere.
Everyday looking for a small spark on people's sentences and the way they look at you, the way they move around you, the way they behave and their attention spam...
"I haven't written for a while, cause I need to feel things and the feeling has to be deep enough to move my hands, let's take today as an example, when I started this post, nothing was going on in my head and at the beginning I thought nothing would be written. Now ideas are forming and a text is being created." However, going back to the topic, I've always felt as I was a disposable person, I've felt that during big part of my teenagerhood, somewhat like it during my adult life, and so on....

Until today...

It's funny.....indeed funny how we never notice what part we play in people's lives, till now I've been only focusing if people liked me, or noticed me anyway, or if they've felt anything for me, never been able to identify whatever was going on..

I dare to say I've grown up like a decade in these past months.

Today I've told some people that I am leaving the country for good, and for a second I thought they wouldn't care at all, that they'd act like nothing different was happening, cause this is a normal thing....people come and go, every day...

Everywhere...

Oh god, at times like these I notice how much more I need to grow up.

I've never thought I'd see people crying and hugging me because of it, I almost cried myself....but I decided that I'd to that in the comfort of my bedroom.....writing and reading the assignments I asked them to write me.

"And of course, the quiet ones....are the ones that shock you the most."

Never in my whole life I'd expect that girl writing so much. The one I pushed the most. The one, I never admitted....I cared the most for...

Really God, you do have ways to amuse and surprise me sometimes...

After almost losing the will to write here, you give me reasons to keep doing it.

Indeed a surprise, but a good one, a lovely one.

Cause now, I do know that I've made a difference in some of their lives, that somehow some of them will always remember me, and I will always remember them, because I am carrying part of their feelings with me.

I will always have the playlist, and I promise to listen to it every day...

Today I can say: I am a teacher..

Those eyes

......Did i disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without......

Those that are close to me know that I'm a big Johnny Cash fan, and really I'm not only a fan cause of the songs, or the meanings behind them. Have you ever stopped and looked at one of his pictures? Have you ever noticed how much you can see in just one facial expression? How many things has he been through?, how much has he faced?, how much.....

Too much and nothing at the same time...

I wonder if people ever look at me the same way, I wonder what people really see or think when they look at me, I wonder if they even notice.....I just wonder if the scars are there to be seen, if there's any story behind a facet or a joke or on a flashback....

Flashbacks....

They happen almost all the moments of my day, on my way to work, on my way to a class, overlooking a lesson plan or just an English expression, flashbacks are the worst part of bad experiences, cause they never leave you alone, they happen inconsciously out of the blue, on big or small things, during conversations, over a glass of water, on a song you listen, on a TV ad you see, cause we're just ants in this big'ol universe.

Isn't it weird when you think you're good for nothing and people look up to you for help or advices?

Someone told me today that really needed to talk, and the first person on her mind was me, cause I was the only person who would understand what was going on, and that would give the best advices for each isolated situation. Again I wonder....

I wonder if I am indeed this model or good advisor if you will, again I wonder why people come to me asking for advices and stuff.....tell me please what do you see that gives you the idea that I am the right person to know your story.

I guess having a long and complex life story is enough?

Can't give an answer to that...

Overthinking

I won't be able to sleep today, a door I wanted closed in my mind was opened, so I'll probably write a lot tonight....

I'v written this a while ago, on a paper sheet....I'm transfering now.

"I'm finding difficult to let some things go these days, it's been very complicated not thinking about some past aspects of my life. I hate unfinished business, they make me overthink, and being unable to talk to the other part(s) involved is even worse...

Life would be great if people just finished their own things...I don't consider myself an anxious man but it's awful to be where I'm standing right now, cause you think too much, can't talk about it can't solve it, cause if there is/are other(s) involved.....and they won't discuss it....you'll find yourself falling into depression all over again.

For all of those who have already been or felt any symptoms of depression, you all know where this leads, everything start innocently with a depressing song, then depressing pictures, and when you'll see it....you're done for drawning on a depressive swimming pool.

Some days ago I've read an article, correlating depression and suicide, and that made me think a lot about what happens to people in general when they start feeling depressed, and being depressed myself, I've started paying attention on how my depression cycles started, how the stages went through one another, till I remembered listening to very dramatic / depressing songs, reading depressed things, etc.

Have you ever thought about that? My my....I've always heard people saying that when they're sad, they like to listen do sad songs and do sad things....just so they could feel even more depressed....I just can't understand that, you'll see....I'm trying to leave all of this behind me, and people do it willingly...

So...you see where overthinking can lead you? Fortunately I have tools to fight against that, and I know how to detect it, otherwise we would enter the "no back" zone, and you know what happens when you get to the bottom right?

Like an honorable and old Jedi master once said:

- There are no feelings, there's only peace,

Hope you have a nice week!

Embrace, enjoy, and live.....don't just survive.

What is too much?

How to measure if something is (or isn't) too much? I've always find myself thinking about these things....Am I showing too many feelings?....Am I not showing'em at all?....Should I tell him/her how I am feeling about this or that situation?....Should I this.....Should I that.....

Really....

What is a relationship, if you can't share your fears and phobias....your manners, your problems....How can we share our own secrets if people nowadays are so vain....I wonder if this is the world we live today, where people have too much time to worry about what they want to buy / show others, and not so much time to think about what would make them happy.

Why is what you share on facebook / snapchat / twitter / instagram ("place your drugapp here") has to be so ultimately awesome for others, if it meant nothing to you....why do you invent stories, relationships, and other things...maybe just to show others you can be "cool"?

Why instead of living in a world of dreams and pretentions, you should just go and live whatever you want to live, experience what you want, go....make mistakes....jump....this way you'll have more than just fake stories.....will have life experiences.

Remember:

....It's on us to choose well those who we want around us, so we can have a future, or at least start making one....

Just a lonely insight, after years seeing younger people, and at many times older people too..forgetting to live their own lives, showing others what they are not, what they don't have, and what they don't think.

Just so they can fit in that awesome group;;;they've met at a club on a Friday night....and that they'll probably never see again.

Have you thought about changing a life today?

What really matters!

You know, one day you shall discover that life is simpler than anything, that you just have to live it, not struggle over it. That people come and go in and out of it, That your daily worries are not even close to other people's....
That saying hi doesn't hurt, that worrying about others is the key and that people are the most important thing, PEOPLE not materials are responsible to make it happen, it's not your possessions who define you, it is you!

 Raphael Rodrigues

I've got to a point in my life where, my couch is more important than a dance club, even if I get to be alone without anyone. People nowadays (sorry for the generical stereotype) are too vain, too selfish, the person is more important than anyone or anything, specially if he / she has material possessions. Relationships? hahaha are you kidding me? I am too important to be in a relationship, but if you have a nice car and a set of Istuff, I'm on it.....Are you paying for everything? I'm in.....

I feel sorry sometimes, sorry because these type of people will only understand what is really important, what really matters, what makes life beautiful when it's only too late, we have a great pope, and he has tried to convey this message along, but people still didn't get it.

Being is more important than having.....

The world nowadays is  a nightmare for romantic people (my case), cause we CAN'T adapt, we need human contact, we need social events.....we need warmth.....

And in the end....that's what matters....I really hope one day we understand....

If you're out there, say hi!